It was announced earlier today that Doug Flutie, arguably Boston College’s most famous alum, will be a cast member on the 22nd (wow, really?) season of Dancing with the Stars. He’ll be joining competitors like Jodie Sweetin from Fuller House, one of the singers from Boyz II Men, Mischa Barton from The O.C. (which, by the way, hasn’t been on for nine years), and other athletes, along with people I have never heard of. Seriously, when is ABC legally obligated to change the name from Dancing With the Stars to Dancing With Regular People Who Look Prettier/More Athletic Than You But Other Than That, They’re Only Marginally More Famous Than Your Local City Councilperson©? Though some may think that Flutie joining this cast is the most out-of-left-field news to ever come out of reality television, there are plenty of characters at BC whose features would enhance some of America’s finest game shows. Here’s a look at a few:
Shark Tank, starring Jim Christian and Steve Addazio
By now, everyone knows that BC is the first team since the 1970s to have zero conference wins in both basketball and football in one year. If you’re currently questioning the existence of BC Athletics (or God, probably), even with bright spots like men’s and women’s hockey, look no further than the latest iteration of Shark Tank. Instead of real-estate moguls, venture capitalists, and whatever it is Robert Herjavec does, the Sharks are none other than BC coaches Steve Addazio and Jim Christian. No one is pitching inventions, just ideas on how to make those teams winners, from four-star recruits to “have you tried not running the ball up the middle?” Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your outlook), the show should only last one “rebuilding season”—or more, who knows.
The Bachelor, featuring relationship guru Kerry Cronin
I’m pretty sure everyone who has ever attended BC in the past 20 years knows who Kerry Cronin is. She’s here to take down hookup culture, dammit, and she’s going to do it with funny lectures. So it only makes sense that she would join The Bachelor and live in the house with all the women competing for a rose. She would make sure to keep hugs A-frame only, ladies, and all dates would be one-on-one, for 60 to 90 minutes. Catfights and fantasy suites would be replaced with philosophical debate and exploring one’s inner feelings. And with Caila Quinn, BC ’14, already competing for a Bachelor’s heart this season, it seems that anyone affiliated with BC has her foot in the door.
Legends of the Hidden Temple, starring the three two one six teams running for UGBC president and executive vice president
This election season has been a ride—drop-outs, satire, petitions to join the race—and I’m not even talking about for President of the United States. No, UGBC elections have been a rollercoaster of emotions as of late, and if there’s one thing the student body should consider, it’s putting these now-six teams through the ringer in the form of obscure questions about history and obstacle courses from the ’90s. Will the Silver Snakes (Simons-McCaffrey, for no reason other than that’s a team that I remember) cross the moat faster than the Red Jaguars (Perasso-Loos, only to match their signature red turtlenecks)? Will we learn the names of the other candidates? What team will assemble the monkey statue in the depths of the fake Olmec temple in time? This is a way better idea than runoff elections, UGBC, and I’m personally offering it to you.
Fear Factor
I know that Fear Factor was just rebooted in 2012, but there’s nothing more culturally relevant than eating cockroaches and sitting in a pit of snakes. In this version, however, the stakes are higher than the $50,000 prize. Juniors who didn’t get a good pick time will eat the mice that scurry in the walls of Walsh and stand naked at the top of Gasson as prospective students take Gassongrams, all to compete for the coveted Mods. This show asks the question, how far would you go to live in an apartment that has been slated for destruction for 30 years?
America’s Next Top Model
BC’s resident photographer, Liam Weir, demonstrates that he can take more than just sunset pictures and tries his hand at photographing BC students. Which model will have the best Facebook profile picture? Will the one with the most likes have the perfect smize, or will it go to whoever wears the most Superfan gear? Instead of Tyra Banks, BC alum Elisabeth Hasselbeck will host the show because she’s not on The View anymore, so why not. Also watch out for its spinoff focusing on freshmen, in which models will be judged based on their BC ID headshots—graduation portraits and weird prom photos were never more competitive.
Featured Image courtesy of Gary Gilbert / The Chronicle