Per usual, Boston College is keeping it hip and swinging with its Commencement speaker announcement this year. Yesterday’s announcement that the guy who stands there while the other guy with the funny voice says “Damn Daniel” will be speaking at Commencement caused three near-fatal heart attacks from pure exaltation and excitement. The whole planet loves those videos and knows they will never get old.
“Some day I’ll tell my grandchildren about the day I heard the ‘Damn Daniel’ guy speak,” Finch Hutchins, a strong proponent of Vine and MCAS ’16, said. When asked if his grandchildren would have any idea what he was talking about, Finch looked up at the sky and then wandered away, eventually walking into a tree and swearing quietly.
Some have questioned the administration’s decision to invite a viral video star who is younger than every graduate, citing the need for a speaker who will inspire students to set the world ablaze with the fiery glory of decent jobs and mild success.
“Boston College has a long tradition of inviting exciting speakers that the young folks enjoy,” University Director of Commencement Victory Hans Verdunker said. “I mean, John Kerry, guys? What gets the youths of today going more than diplomacy? Damn Daniel is just a natural extension of this tradition of real baller speakers.”
Some students have protested the decision, arguing that the Damn Daniel videos are already dated and will fade into obscurity. This protest was ignored.
“I just don’t … I just don’t get it,” one student said. “Yeah, we complained about boring speakers but … but this is a disgrace.”
It proved impossible to continue the interview as this extremely emotional student fell into fits of sobbing.
A statement released by the administration addressed these concerns and dismissed them. According to the statement, a precedent has been set for “soops rad” speakers that will “hippidity hop the Heightety Heights.”
*This story is part of The Depths, a collection of humorous, fictional portrayals of campus life, written in the spirit of April Fools’ Day. Some names of “sources” have been changed to maintain ambiguity and humor.
