After a long day of classes and aggressively punctuated texts from his mom, Jake Paniniterini, CSOM ’19, knew what he needed. He walked into McElroy Commons, bought a juice box and some Funyuns, and sat down to read the latest issue of The Heights.

“I was pretty sure he was doing it for a bet, but then he just sat there and literally read the whole thing,” Larry Mojo, CSOM ’19, said. “He just sipped on his juice and read about some guy talking about how Africa’s traditional indigenous religion is an important part of its current geopolitics. He deserves a medal or something, like come on.”

Paniniterini allegedly read the entire issue cover to cover. Multiple sources confirm that he even took a gander at the ads page and tried to complete the crossword puzzle, spending almost seven minutes on 28 Across.

Another onlooker, Kristen Schmeltzer, LSOE ’16, said that she asked Paniniterini if he needed medical assistance.

“I mean, I figured that if he needed a counselor it would be nice to ask,” she said. “Except let’s face it, the odds of actually getting an appointment are about as slim as the odds that Larry Mojo isn’t in CSOM. Did you hear that kid’s last name? If he’s from anywhere that isn’t Long Island I am high-key transferring to BU a-f. I will be literally so done.”

Paniniterini, a New Jersey native (duh), was surprised by the reaction.

“After a couple minutes there were all these people standing around watching me,” he said. “I thought I was in trouble ’cause I always steal apples from Mac, but then somebody asked me why I was reading The Heights. Sometimes you just need some alone time, ya know? Anyway, I noticed that the front page had a story about the UGBC, which I always thought was a type of sandwich at Hillside. Turns out I was only kind of wrong.”

*This story is part of The Depths, a collection of humorous, fictional portrayals of campus life, written in the spirit of April Fools’ Day. Some names of “sources” have been changed to maintain ambiguity and humor.