On the heels of its groundbreaking decision to supply student-athletes with free WiFi during team trips, NCAA President Mark Emmert announced on Wednesday that the organization would also provide complimentary toilet paper in the dorm rooms of collegiate athletes.
“We know we’re on a tight budget this year,” Emmert said in a statement, referencing the NCAA’s $1 billion in annual revenue. “But we wanted to treat our athletes to some extravagant amenities to reward them for their hard work.”
Critics claim that even a local public library offers more free services than the NCAA.
“If I walked down to the Boston Public Library, I could browse the Internet and wipe my ass for free,” men’s hockey star Kevin Florence said. “And they don’t have a $14 billion dollar TV deal in their back pockets.”
Emmert also revealed plans for a free care package that is set to be distributed to students next month. Items include napkins, plastic silverware, clean water, and electricity.
“If they’re lucky, we might even throw in some basic human dignity,” Emmert added.
Director of Athletics Bad Brates defended the NCAA in a statement, citing the University’s longstanding position against giving handouts to student-athletes.
“We already got suckered into paying cost of attendance. The NCAA needs to cool it with the free giveaways” Brates said. “I work 40-hour weeks on campus. I’m tired, too. Where’s my toilet paper, Mark?”
Oddly, Brates continued to dodge questions pertaining to the University’s stance on paying college athletes, instead obsessing over the issue of toilet paper.
NCA
“No, seriously, I need toilet paper,” Brates reiterated. “Also, some shampoo. Actually, a razor wouldn’t be bad either. Mark, if you’re reading this, please send me a care package. I’ll be waiting in the Conte Forum bathroom next to the locker rooms.”
*This story is part of The Depths, a collection of humorous, fictional portrayals of campus life, written in the spirit of April Fools’ Day. Some names of “sources” have been changed to maintain ambiguity and humor.
